RE: The Importance of a Good Man

**should say explanation, not explination. Too much effort to fix, so forgive me.**

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FutureHusbandBOOK (The PDF)

Some of my friends who are guys read my blog. Sometimes, while reading, they come across certain posts and become concerned. I know this because they tell me.

Most recently, I have had three guys in the past few weeks tell me that they are worried the type of man I’m looking for doesn’t exist. One specifically told me I was “chasing a dream.” Or, basically, that I’ve set my standards too high. I’ve decided to clarify exactly what I meant.

For starters, I have to clarify that when I made that post, I was just barely over a negative relationship. After negative experiences, we frequently find ourselves very determined to never repeat that experience. Of course, that’s not to say that after a while we can lower our standards again, but sometimes it’s nice to refresh ourselves of what type of qualities we’re allowed to aspire towards in future relationships.

The important thing to understand, however, is that regardless of how we might have been treated in the past, it’s not right to think that we are ever “owed” anything. The idea that by having been treated poorly means we’ve paid our dues, so we are entitled to the perfect guy who just has to accept us for who we are, is counterproductive and surely a terrible way to treat a great guy.

I’ll say that again: No matter how you’ve been treated in your past, you still must actively work towards making yourself the kind of person that you eventually want to end up with. That means you have to obtain the qualities for which you search in others.

With that said, I wrote those points well aware of the fact that there is no human on the planet that has every single one of the qualities listed in that book. Do I really think that there’s a guy out there that’s going never going to be mad at me? Uh, I even get mad at myself, so of course not! I know how difficult I can be! Also, on my secret list of qualities is that he’s a little feisty. Do I really think that I could never get upset with someone who I will presumably be spending tons of time with? No!

What is important is the level of effort being put forth to achieve those qualities.

A lot of women are conditioned to believe in a fairy-tale future that is commonly criticized for being unrealistic. Well, if we believe a prince is going to come on a horse and save us from our terrible lives, I would agree with that statement; however, I think there’s an opposite and just as damaging idea that women should choose the first nice guy that comes along and not be as “picky.”

Honestly, is it really that unrealistic to try and find a man who treats you like a princess (and you treat him like a prince) who is also handsome and normal and shares some interests with you? It hurts my heart to think that the next guy who likes me and also happens to be nice is all that I should desire in a relationship.

While being nice is a great quality, I think most people would agree that a guy who spends all of his free time on a computer or playing video games or at a bar pretty much nullifies “nice” and points to way bigger issues. We should just choose that man because, what? No one is perfect?

“Well,” you might say, “the only quality that really matters is whether or not he’s a good person.” Defining that is subjective and based on experience and not likely to be useful to someone who has only been treated poorly.

“Well, you could end up alone if you keep this up. You might get to a place where you wish you would’ve given someone in your past more of a chance.”

Let me be clear: there is always someone else. I realize that some people aren’t going to get married, but picking someone because you don’t want to end up alone is much less fulfilling than picking someone because you can’t imagine your life without them.

You deserve the best of the best. You deserve the kind of guy that you meet and are immediately attracted to, that you get excited just to see, that makes you feel like you want to be the best person possible so maybe they’ll want to be with you too.

I refuse to believe that type of man doesn’t exist for me, or for you. I also believe that any two people who are genuinely “good” can be happy together–but can you be the most happy and the most fulfilled? If you go through the PDF with the qualities on it, the one that I feel like encompasses and overrules them all is the second to last one, which reads:

“A man who makes me hope that my sisters and best friends can find someone like him.”

To me, that’s the end all, be all. Would I want the qualities this man has for the closest women in my life? If my best friend were telling me about the things he does, what would I think?

Lastly, I had someone tell me that if a man has the “potential” to be all the qualities I want, we can help each other grow through a relationship. That, to me, is exactly the reason why women stay in abusive relationships. I know from experience that potential means nothing if not being actively worked towards, and results are being seen.

I could go on all day about relationships, but I will end with saying that I still believe my list provides a good foundation for qualities we should all be striving towards obtaining. As far as my standards being too high, I recognize that I’m not going to end up with someone perfect, but there are men out there that are perfect for me. And for you.

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23 Comments

  1. I’m reading your booklet now and I can’t help but feel the same way/agree with what I read! I’ve read a lot of romance books, and while doing so I always think about the romance and how the guy is so into the girl. I’m always like, “Can that happen to me please!??!” LOL it’s adorable.

    We never really know when Mr. Right will come along–it won’t be instant, like love at first site or a stunning, electrical connection with the person. We won’t know if the guy is the right one until we put ourselves out there and try out the relationship and see if it will work out. You’ll never know until you try(:

    I’ll keep on reading and enjoy! 😀 So glad I found this

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  2. Not sure how this post ended up in my Reader list this morning, but I’m glad it did. Great advice about holding out for someone special. For me personally, this is about waiting for God’s will in my life. Attraction, like you say, is a very subjective thing, and for me it is not merely a thing of physical beauty, though that does play a role. I have my own “list” of sorts, not on paper or pdf, but simply standards that I do in fact “judge” women by — not in a negative way, but through the lens of how scripture defines a godly woman, and from what I know I’ve failed with in the past. You make a great point that everyone should have a chance and that our past mistakes should not define our sense of entitlement with regard to future relationships. It does prove wise, though, to recognize characteristics in others that we know are not compatible with ourselves — if for nothing more than to save that person the heartache of investing their time and emotions with us, knowing all to well it probably won’t work out on account of differences.

    For me personally, the attraction goes much deeper than finding a “good” person, who fits a “good” list of traits. It goes to the heart of Christ. Does she have the qualities of a biblical woman? Does she fear God? If so, then her qualities will shine brightly because of that. And if she is lacking in some areas, I’d much rather have a woman who burns dinner occasionally, yet fears God, and tries to please Him every day she wakes.

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  3. Reblogged this on Misty Gatlin and commented:
    I stumbled upon this little post recently, and I love it. This is the same thing I’ve written about on here for years, but she says it in a different way that I hope speaks to all of you.

    Happy Friday, and have a safe and wonderful weekend!

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  4. When I finally got round to read ‘he is just not that into you’ purely by accident, I had recently separated with my ex fiance. Being notoriously know for being unlucky in love, I instantly connected with the book and did some much needed re-evaluation of my dating standards. Indeed it was also stated that I was being to picky, but having the expectation that I deserved better then what I had previously been settling for, led me into the arms of a man I would tell you was made just for me. Four years later and recently married, I still feel as if Im living a fairy tale, I never thought I would find someone so perfect for me.
    Don’t settle ladies and gents, there is someone for everyone, figure out a list of qualities do’s and don’ts, it does help you from making the same relationship blunders and points you in the right direction.

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  5. This is a great reminder. Right now I am in that mindset that I shouldn’t be too picky. I’ve got a perfectly nice guy but I’m also not happy. Thanks for the reminder to not settle. Just because a guy treats you right doesn’t mean he’s the right one for you.

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  6. If you exchange the word “man” and replace it with “woman” (in your book) you might be able to see that even you could not be as perfect as the guy you hope to find. I understand that this is a guideline, so use it as a sort of checklist – where you can find out if he basically is a good guy (if you can tjek off several points in the book) but not as a answer sheet. I hope this will help you find the perfect guy for you and not the perfect guy for everyone. Best regards Anna

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  7. i thought your list was great. i have finally found the man i am going to marry and he really is my prince (and i his princess). i have never believed in “settling” and i’m glad i waited for the right guy. good luck! 🙂

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  8. I appreciate everything you wrote here. I too found one of these amazing men. They do exist and I am glad that I feel “equally yoked” to a man who works just as hard as I do at our relationship, family, success, and hobbies.

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    1. I have been married for 28 somewhat satisfying years. Do I regret it? yes. I just discovered my husbands affair, and am thinking I wasted how many years for this? I should have listened to my heart along time ago. I know that next time around I will hold my standards and find true love. thanks for your little book.

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  9. I met my husband 10 years ago, we’ve been married for 6 years, have 3 kids, and a beautiful house. And I’ve got to say he’s pretty perfect. Not to say that it has been complete bliss but pretty close. Even when we faced some challenges we never once doubted we would get through it. Even though we’ve had bad days I’ve never been unhappy and that to me is a perfect relationship. Single guys get worried that women expect to much of them but when they fine the perfect girl they often surprise themselves by wanting to be and stepping up to be that perfect guy for her. They just need the right girl to motivate them some times. The point is great guys, great marriages, eternal love, it’s all real, it’s all out there.

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  10. Oh, sweetie – these type of men DO exist! I married one just over 23 years ago – my father is one, my brother is one, my brother-in-law is one, and my husband and I are doing our very best (with MUCH help from God) to raise two more such men! They DO exist and I pray that my daughter and you will be led to the one chosen for you by God in the right time – HIS time. Don’t you EVER settle for less than what’s best for you!
    Hugs to you, brave one!

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  11. Hi. I just want to say that I agree with everything on your list. I have been married for 12 years and, for me, my precious husband meets every criterion in your book. Marriage ( or any relationship) is not a breeze, but like you said, love is a verb and with Christ in the center of our family we have a happy life.

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  12. I just want to tell you that I loved your original post (and the little book). There is a man out there for you that will meet all of those things you listed because I found one. I said yes to everything in that little book you wrote that pertains to my husband. We have been married almost a year and he still amazes me with how wonderful he is and how perfect he is for me.
    Don’t lose faith because the perfect guy for you is out there. Don’t settle for anything less than the best because you deserve it.

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  13. I agree on many of your points, namely that we must work on ourselves as much as we want the men in our lives to work on themselves; however, there was one point that I found down right insulting. You start a paragraph by saying, “While being nice is a great quality, I think most people would agree that a guy who spends all of his free time on a computer or playing video games or at a bar pretty much nullifies “nice” and points to way bigger issues. We should just choose that man because, what? No one is perfect?”

    My response to this is that this is a very negative stereotype about geek culture, well except for the bar part. Anyways, my guy is just about all of those things that you described, but he also collects video games and works as a software developer so most of his time is taken up by those things. We also share those hobbies; we met in an arcade! I know people who have dates over their video games, playing Xbox together, just because it is something you wouldn’t like your guy doing, doesn’t mean that the rest of us have a problem with it.

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    1. There’s an exception to everything. Someone might say that their man enjoys playing pool at a bar with his buddies, and that it’s where they met and they enjoy doing it together.

      I didn’t mean to offend, and I mostly meant to point to behavior that would make most women uncomfortable.

      Also, from personal experience, two men in my family being at one time or another obsessed with their games has proved to me that without moderation, such behavior can take away from their other responsibilities and affect the home negatively.

      Again, not meant to offend, just my personal experience. Like I said, there are always exceptions.

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      1. I, too, am offended by your assumption that “most women” find video games and playing pool with his buddies offensive. Perhaps you meant that those things taken to extremes are a problem. Indeed. Every single thing in the world is a problem in the extreme.

        I am also bothered by the idea that a man must inspire you to be your best because maybe then he’ll want to be with you. I believe it is much more important to find a man who accepts you. If you want to “improve” yourself, do it for yourself.

        Lastly, the idea that your man must be “handsome and normal” is more offensive to me than anything else you wrote. What, exactly, is wrong with being abnormal? Do you consider yourself an example of “normal”? Do you understand that there are millions of people out there who are not “normal”? What about we women who are not normal? I have a developmental disorder and a mental illness. I am not normal. Do I not deserve love? What about men who have who are abnormal or not handsome, do they deserve love? Or are we abnormal people only meant to pair up together?

        I am not saying you mean to say these things. But you ARE saying them, and it’s because you consider your experience in life to be that of “most women”.

      2. Hello. I’m sorry I offended you so much. I never said playing pool sad offensive, in fact I used that as an example to prove why going to a bar all the time wouldn’t be seen as negative behavior. I’m sorry that you misunderstood.

        I agree that everything taken to an extreme can be a problem. I chose only two examples rather than to attempt to list everything I could think of. I’m sorry that frustrated you.

        I’m sorry that you don’t want a man that inspires you. I said that we cannot expect a man with qualities beyond those which we are working on for ourselves.

        Handsomeness and normality, like everything I wrote, are subjective and based on personal experience and up for every person to define.

        If you don’t want a man like I’ve described, that’s fine. I said from the beginning that these were my suggestions, not necessarily for everyone. Thank you for your opinion.

      3. I don’t think she was being offensive; she was trying to illustrate an interest taken to the extreme–note that she said, “all of his free time.” I don’t think anyone wants to marry a man who spends “all of his free time” in an indulgent activity, probably alone. This could be any activity but its exclusivity is the important key. My husband is a gamer and we are very happy; his gaming does not preclude our relationship because he does not spend all his time with it. I think subcultures in general need to be more confident and stop expecting people to pick on them. She could have pointed out the unattractive qualities of working out or pursuing a career, both of which would mess with a relationship if taken to the extreme. Her choice of example is not a big deal. Her point is still good.

      4. I agree with Brittany and Evlyn’s points. Brittany was obviously talking about extremes. If playing video games in your relationship doesn’t cause problems, then why should Brittany’s comment offend you? If it doesn’t describe your situation, then don’t make it about your situation. She could have just as easily used sports as an example and her point would have been the same.

  14. Brittany- I haven’t read your original post (or PDF) that you refer to here but I just want to say from a girl who found a guy who she was immediately attracted to and who not only met, but exceeded every expectation she had for a husband, that your guy exists. I know he does. After marrying the best man I know, I have come to a much deeper abiding faith in men. Men who are strong, valiant, hardworking, compassionate, and more faithful than their wives can comprehend. I hope you never give up hope. There are SO many good men out there. I’ve met many of them through my husband and family and feel so comforted to know that there are men who care about providing, protecting, and lovingly presiding over families of women and children; men who love, honor, respect, and CHERISH their wives. They do exist Brittany. Find a good man with potential. Do not settle. Then give him all your devotion and he will move mountains for you. (Sorry this comment is infinitely long. I feel so strongly about this).

    Also, check out Ramonazabriskie.com and Ramona Zabriskie’s fan page on Facebook. I think you would really like what she had to say about these topics.

    Reply

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