**should say explanation, not explination. Too much effort to fix, so forgive me.**
FutureHusbandBOOK (The PDF)
Some of my friends who are guys read my blog. Sometimes, while reading, they come across certain posts and become concerned. I know this because they tell me.
Most recently, I have had three guys in the past few weeks tell me that they are worried the type of man I’m looking for doesn’t exist. One specifically told me I was “chasing a dream.” Or, basically, that I’ve set my standards too high. I’ve decided to clarify exactly what I meant.
For starters, I have to clarify that when I made that post, I was just barely over a negative relationship. After negative experiences, we frequently find ourselves very determined to never repeat that experience. Of course, that’s not to say that after a while we can lower our standards again, but sometimes it’s nice to refresh ourselves of what type of qualities we’re allowed to aspire towards in future relationships.
The important thing to understand, however, is that regardless of how we might have been treated in the past, it’s not right to think that we are ever “owed” anything. The idea that by having been treated poorly means we’ve paid our dues, so we are entitled to the perfect guy who just has to accept us for who we are, is counterproductive and surely a terrible way to treat a great guy.
I’ll say that again: No matter how you’ve been treated in your past, you still must actively work towards making yourself the kind of person that you eventually want to end up with. That means you have to obtain the qualities for which you search in others.
With that said, I wrote those points well aware of the fact that there is no human on the planet that has every single one of the qualities listed in that book. Do I really think that there’s a guy out there that’s going never going to be mad at me? Uh, I even get mad at myself, so of course not! I know how difficult I can be! Also, on my secret list of qualities is that he’s a little feisty. Do I really think that I could never get upset with someone who I will presumably be spending tons of time with? No!
What is important is the level of effort being put forth to achieve those qualities.
A lot of women are conditioned to believe in a fairy-tale future that is commonly criticized for being unrealistic. Well, if we believe a prince is going to come on a horse and save us from our terrible lives, I would agree with that statement; however, I think there’s an opposite and just as damaging idea that women should choose the first nice guy that comes along and not be as “picky.”
Honestly, is it really that unrealistic to try and find a man who treats you like a princess (and you treat him like a prince) who is also handsome and normal and shares some interests with you? It hurts my heart to think that the next guy who likes me and also happens to be nice is all that I should desire in a relationship.
While being nice is a great quality, I think most people would agree that a guy who spends all of his free time on a computer or playing video games or at a bar pretty much nullifies “nice” and points to way bigger issues. We should just choose that man because, what? No one is perfect?
“Well,” you might say, “the only quality that really matters is whether or not he’s a good person.” Defining that is subjective and based on experience and not likely to be useful to someone who has only been treated poorly.
“Well, you could end up alone if you keep this up. You might get to a place where you wish you would’ve given someone in your past more of a chance.”
Let me be clear: there is always someone else. I realize that some people aren’t going to get married, but picking someone because you don’t want to end up alone is much less fulfilling than picking someone because you can’t imagine your life without them.
You deserve the best of the best. You deserve the kind of guy that you meet and are immediately attracted to, that you get excited just to see, that makes you feel like you want to be the best person possible so maybe they’ll want to be with you too.
I refuse to believe that type of man doesn’t exist for me, or for you. I also believe that any two people who are genuinely “good” can be happy together–but can you be the most happy and the most fulfilled? If you go through the PDF with the qualities on it, the one that I feel like encompasses and overrules them all is the second to last one, which reads:
“A man who makes me hope that my sisters and best friends can find someone like him.”
To me, that’s the end all, be all. Would I want the qualities this man has for the closest women in my life? If my best friend were telling me about the things he does, what would I think?
Lastly, I had someone tell me that if a man has the “potential” to be all the qualities I want, we can help each other grow through a relationship. That, to me, is exactly the reason why women stay in abusive relationships. I know from experience that potential means nothing if not being actively worked towards, and results are being seen.
I could go on all day about relationships, but I will end with saying that I still believe my list provides a good foundation for qualities we should all be striving towards obtaining. As far as my standards being too high, I recognize that I’m not going to end up with someone perfect, but there are men out there that are perfect for me. And for you.
Keep up-to-date on my new postings by following me on Twitter. You can also contact me through my website here, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or send me a message to my Facebook (show your support and send me a like!) Check out my Pinterest, too! Thank you all so much!